Molt Be Blog

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Elevator Puddles

Saturday night R and I left the apartment to go to R's birthday celebration at her friend's house. With each of us carrying a cake for the party, we approached the elevators and could hear a very loud argument that sounded like it was coming from the shaft on the right. Yelling, cursing, and general discontent could be heard as we kept our fingers crossed for the elevator on the left to arrive first. Ironically, this was the elevator we were going to wish we had missed. The doors on the left opened first and we stepped quickly into a large puddle covering the entire floor of the elevator (which is thankfully rubberized).
"There's a lot of water on the floor in here," R commented.
"Well, it is raining," I said.
"Still, it's a lot of water," R exclaimed as the doors opened in the lobby.
We were met with a very strange scene: One of the many different security guards that work different nights in the building was yelling at two men. One of the men was wearing only a t-shirt, boxer shorts and socks and the other had a broken nose that was bandaged and two black eyes that were swelled shut.
"You see," said the security guard to the man in boxers pointing at R and I as we stepped off the elevator, "people are walking in your urine!"
Disgusted, R and I decided to stay to see how this would all pan out. We had seen these two men several times before and, like this time as well, we had never seen either one of them sober. On one occasion, shortly after the first Bush-Kerry debate, we had had the pleasure of riding in the elevator with the boxer-shorted man (hereafter referred to as "el Urinador") and learned that he "liked bush". If only I had taken the chance to explain that it's not about whether or not you like the guy, he might not have peed in that elevator.
I digress. El Urinador was looking particularly unsober this evening as the security guard explained to him, "you either go get a mop and clean it up or I'll mop it up with your head."
This seemed a bit silly, though I wouldn't have put it past this particular guard as he's a lot bigger than any of the other guards I've met.
A small crowd of different tenants had gathered around to watch el Urinador and his black-eyed partner get yelled at. This was apparently not the first time that the Urinador had relieved himself somewhere outside of his apartment and inside the building, which may have explained why the guard was particularly irate. It also may have been the fact that this time el Urinador had peed directly in front of the guard and mocked him mid-stream.
As R and I were watching, a door opened to our right from one of the apartments on the ground floor. A bleary-eyed teenager came out and gave me a look to see if I could explain what was going on. Just as he did, the guard repeated his yell of "you pissed in the goddamn elevator!"
"That's about the whole story," I said to the latest spectator, who smiled and stuck around to watch.
After a bit more yelling and with another tenant threatening to "go upstairs to call the police," the guard and el Urinador started pushing each other a bit. El Urinador was eventually placed in the elevator, but jumped back out as the guard was trying to get the black-eyed friend to calm the urine producer. Again, el Urinador was pushed towards the elevator, but this time the back of his head came into contact with the corner of the elevator doorway and he immediately slumped to the ground. He was back up in half a second, but seemed a bit more subdued as blood began to trickle down the back of his neck and onto his shirt.
At this point R used the phone I'd already handed her and dialed non-emergency police (311 for those that don't know). A minute later, as the guard had just left with el Urinador and friend to accompany them upstairs to get a mop, the police arrived. They were a lot quicker than I thought they would be, but I realized why when I recognized the first officer as "that tall red-headed guy that always gives people parking tickets in front of the Whole Foods on the opposite side of the block."
R explained what had happened and was backed up by other tenants in attendance. The cops said they'd just wait downstairs for the guard and drunks to come back down and we didn't need to stick around.
On Sunday night we ran into the guard again and asked him how things turned out.
"They didn't even file a report," he said, "This guy has been doing this forever, all the time. Thanks for calling the police, though."

Every person I told this story to since Saturday has immediately asked where I live in DC. I don't think location has too much to do with it, since these guys could be drunk anywhere, but I always give them my address anyway. (Who wants normal people moving in around here any more than they already have?)
I've definitely learned a few things from this, though.
First of all, that Urinador guy is a Bush supporter.
Second of all, he urinates in enclosed places that aren't his or anyone else's bathroom.
Third of all, he does this when wearing socks and no shoes.
Bush can have him.

I've also learned that el Urinador definitely does not suffer from shy bladder syndrome, but instead may suffer from Urolagnia. Part of this article also mentions the fact that "Male porcupines use urine to soften the females' quills before mating." So perhaps, just perhaps, el Urinador was so drunk that he thought he was a male porcupine, the elevator was a female porcupine, and that he was finally going to make his move.


Sunday, November 21, 2004

You can take the basketball out of the player's hands and then he can use those hands to punch fans in the face. Ridiculous.


Friday, November 19, 2004

This goes out to Hong to welcome his blog to the blogosphere.
If you look, you'll notice that Hong has placed pictures of himself on his site. I choose not to do this because I'm neurotic. Awesome!


Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. The minor amount of uproar over a monday-night football spot featuring a little skin is a bit on the hypocritical side. A sport that regularly features grown men being beaten to the point that they must be helped off of the field should probably be a little less concerned about a naked lady. Watch the video here link.
Thank God for this well put op-ed in the Washington Post.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

One more thing about the Badly Drawn Boy show last night: Enough with the flute. So annoying.
One other thing: Google bought this company Keyhole, which, if you check out their site, has a really cool product that you should check out.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Went to see Badly Drawn Boy (aka Damon Gough) at the 930 club this evening. Forgot to take my camera, so there'll be no dark pictures of men with guitars on the page for this one.
These weeknight concerts kick the crap out of me, so I had to leave after the first hour and a half. He claimed that he and the band had played for four hours at their last show, but I just can't stay out that late... Please email here to make fun of me.
To start, BDB played his newest album "One Plus One is One" in its entirety. This was awesome to see since I'd seen him before, but hadn't seen any of the new stuff. There were some serious sound problems at the beginning and at least three songs had to be stopped and begun anew. Something about him not being able to hear himself (turn the monitor up). Me think that Mr. Gough was a bit sauced and is an angry drunk, but he played a damned good show either way. I was also happy to hear of his disdain for Mr. Bush, Mr. Blair, and calling Korn "shite".
Ok, off to bed so that I can be at work at 8:30 (which is a new thing since I was told to quit slacking off and getting in at 9:00...)


Thursday, November 11, 2004

Open Letter to the Today Show

The Today Show

To Whom it May Concern,

I am a regular watcher of the today show and was very disappointed
this morning while watching your news story on a DVD of a high school
fight. I found it to be a disturbing sight and the fact that you
showed the footage of the fight appeals to the same animal tendencies possessed by the high schoolers who bought copies of the DVD.
The fact that you would show repeated footage of a high school fight
and not show a single clip of the Palestinians marching to honor
Arafat's death is a sad sign of the quality of the "news" on the Today
show. This is nothing against Anne, she does a great job. It's more of
a complaint about the job you're doing as the media. There are plenty
of shows out there that will stoop to the level of showing footage of
a high school fight (Povich, Springer, Dr. Phil, etc.). Why does your
show feel it necessary?
I find it almost ironic that your story on the fight DVD was meant to
comment on how appalling it would be to sell a DVD of a fight when
your program itself proceeded to show parts of the fight for free. Was this a
preview to encourage high schoolers to buy it? Isn't it worse
to show this to people on broadcast television when otherwise they
would have had to make a conscious decision to see it?
I have been continuously disappointed in some of the low brow footage
I have seen on your show. Much like the over-shown footage of an ice
skater hitting her face on the ice a month or so ago, this incident
was especially disturbing.
I am not a conservative person who becomes ill at sights like these,
but showing them makes a mockery of what I think to be a legitimate
news organization.
Just because we have base instincts doesn't mean you need to appeal
to them on every show.



Friday, November 05, 2004

I'd rather be divided thanks.

Here it comes. Can you hear it? It's the call for "unity". Well, I'd rather be divided, thanks.
The republicans "unity" is dems surrender. I already heard someone on the today show yesterday morning tell a critic of bush that their "attacking isn't helping to unite us." Don't let them use this unity card against us. It's not just being united that's important, its belief in what you're united over as well.
Argument and dissenting opinions do not necessarily divide and even if they do, they are necessary to proper discussion and decision making. The simple fact is that there are going to be facts out there that go against things that Bush et al. are saying. This doesn't mean that the peple who point those facts out don't want "unity". Then again, I don't particularly want to unite with conservatives over partisan issues like abortion and tax-cuts for rich people.
It is perplexing to try determine why George would even claim the desire to unite us. What possible interest could he have in it? He regularly takes pride in his 'unpopular' decisions. The GOP has control of the House, Senate and soon the Supreme court. Even more disturbing is that this time W is not up for reelection. Don't listen to the "unity" hype. It's all a lie to get the Democrats to not use the filibuster.
This is a call to arms for those of us that think W is wrong and lying. Do not unite with him. Unite with the idea that people are inherently good, that war is evil and that "personal responsiblity" as used by conservatives is just newspeak for "greed".
That's my two cents. As usual. Which is why I have this webpage. Awesome.


Thursday, November 04, 2004

Open Letter to Barack Obama:

Dear Barack,
Could you believe that election Tuesday night!?! Enough chit-chat, I'll cut straight to the chase. I want to come work for you. There are many reasons why I'd be an excellent candidate for a position as an aid, researcher, gopher or anything else that puts me near your greatness. I strongly believe that you will be president some day (it's looking like 2016 this morning) and am dedicated to helping you achieve this goal. I'd like to be your Karl Rove only good instead of evil. (This isn't to say I'm the type of person who lumps things into categories of good and evil, but come on!)
Why would I be a good employee? I'm fun to be around, I travel well, I live in DC already so I wouldn't have to relocate, and I clearly know how to use a computer.
I'd hire me.
You're going to have a tough time in the Senate trying to get anything remotely close to crossing the president's desk. I want to be there to complain with you when things don't go well.
You're also going to have some long nights filibustering (is that a word?) to keep Mr. Bush from getting another Scalia or Thomas onto the Supreme Court. That can be rough. I'd like to be there to fetch you coffee and pretend to pay attention to whomever is speaking.
My mom is from Illinois. So are her parents. If that's not enough of a reason to hire me, I don't know what is.
I look forward to working with you.



P.S. Another great reason to hire me? I just had my spell checker learn your name. Don't let that go to waste!


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Too Sad

Too sad to enter anything. I'm off to bed.